Communication

Communication

Open, honest communication should be part of every healthy relationship. The guidelines below can help open up the channels of communication between you and your partner. If you’re in an unhealthy or abusive relationship, use these tips with caution. You know your relationship best. If any of these tips would put you in danger, we don’t recommend that you try them.

For healthier communication, try to:

 

FIND THE RIGHT TIME

When having a serious conversation with your partner about something that’s bothering you, it’s a good idea to pick the right time to talk. Try to find a time when both you and your partner are calm and not distracted, stressed or in a rush. You might even consider scheduling a time to talk if one or both of you is really busy.

 

TALK FACE TO FACE

Avoid discussing serious matters or issues in writing. Text messages, letters and emails can be misinterpreted. As long as you feel safe doing so, talk in person so there aren’t any unnecessary miscommunications.

 

DO NOT ATTACK

Even when we mean well, we can sometimes come across as harsh because of our word choices. Using “you” can sound like you’re attacking, which could make your partner defensive and less receptive to your message. Instead, try using “I” or “we.” For example, say “I feel like we haven’t been as close lately” instead of “You have been distant with me.”

 

BE HONEST

Sometimes the truth hurts, but it’s the key to a healthy relationship. Admit that you aren’t always perfect and apologize when you make a mistake instead of making excuses. You will feel better and it will help strengthen your relationship.

 

CHECK YOUR BODY LANGUAGE

Make eye contact when speaking. Sit up and face your partner. Let your partner know you’re listening. Show them you really care. Don’t take a phone call, text or be distracted while you’re having a conversation.

 

USE THE 48-HOUR RULE

If your partner does something that makes you angry, it’s important to talk to them about it. But you don’t have to do so right away; taking a little time to process how you’re feeling can be helpful for reacting in a healthy way. If you’re still hurt 48 hours later, say something (and try using the tips on this page!). If not, consider forgetting about it. But remember, your partner can’t read your mind. If you don’t speak up when you’re upset, there is no way for them to apologize or change their behavior. Once you do mention your hurt feelings and your partner sincerely apologies, let it go. Don’t bring up past issues if they’re not relevant.

How to Communicate if You Are Angry

Everyone gets angry at some point in a relationship. What’s important is that you and your partner are able to resolve conflicts in a healthy way, even while angry. If you get angry with your partner, here are a few steps you can take:

 

STOP

If you’re really angry about something, stop, take a step back and breathe. Give yourself time to calm down by watching TV, talking to a friend, taking a walk, listening to some music or whatever helps you relax. Taking a break can keep the situation from getting worse — and help you decide what needs to happen in order to make it better.

 

THINK

After you’re no longer upset, think about the situation and why you got so angry. Was it how your partner spoke or something they did? Figure out the real problem, then think about how to explain your feelings.

 

TALK

Finally, talk to your partner. When you do, follow the tips for healthy communication above.

 

LISTEN

After you tell your partner how you feel, remember to stop talking and listen to what they have to say. You both deserve the opportunity to express how you feel in a safe and healthy environment.

Communicating isn’t always easy. At first, some of these tips may feel unnatural or awkward, but they will help you communicate better and build a healthy relationship.

Setting Boundaries

Setting Boundaries

A healthy relationship starts with mutual respect, including respect for each other’s emotional, physical and digital boundaries. Setting boundaries can be an ongoing process in a relationship. It’s important for partners to know each other’s concerns, limits, desires and feelings, and to be prepared to respect them.  People and relationships evolve, and everyone has the right to change or adjust their boundaries as they see fit. Creating open conversations about boundaries in a relationship can help ensure that all partners’ boundaries are respected at all times. Here are some helpful questions to ask yourself when considering setting boundaries in your relationship:

Does each partner get the space they need to live healthy lives as individuals?

As great as it is to want to spend time with your partner, it’s important to have some time away from each other, too. It’s not healthy for either partner to try to set limits or use guilt or pressure to control where their partner goes or who they spend time with. Everyone should feel free to spend time alone or with friends and family without having to get permission from their partner or check in and explain their whereabouts. If boundaries around personal space are not being respected, that may be a sign that one or both partners is having trouble with trust. Learn more about trust in healthy relationships here.

Is intimacy comfortable and consensual at all times?

Sexual consent is absolutely essential in a relationship, whether you’re just starting to date or you’ve been married for years. Sex should never feel obligatory, and you should always feel that your partner cares about your comfort and boundaries. Everyone has different backgrounds, desires, and comfort levels when it comes to intimacy, sex and methods of protection. It’s important to feel comfortable communicating your boundaries around intimacy and to trust that your partner will always respect them.

It can help to talk with your partner about boundaries and expectations around sex before you’re in the moment, as well as talking about how you’d like to communicate with each other in the moment to make sure you are both aware of each other’s boundaries throughout. While discussing boundaries beforehand can help, even in the moment you always have the right to set boundaries or change your mind. People’s levels of comfort and desire change, so it should never be assumed that just because someone was okay with something in the past, they will always be okay with it. No matter how long you’ve been with someone or how many times you’ve done something, you have the right to say no at anytime for any reason. Learn more about consent in a healthy relationship here.

Setting Boundaries

A healthy relationship starts with mutual respect, including respect for each other’s emotional, physical and digital boundaries. Setting boundaries can be an ongoing process in a relationship. It’s important for partners to know each other’s concerns, limits, desires and feelings, and to be prepared to respect them.  People and relationships evolve, and everyone has the right to change or adjust their boundaries as they see fit. Creating open conversations about boundaries in a relationship can help ensure that all partners’ boundaries are respected at all times. Here are some helpful questions to ask yourself when considering setting boundaries in your relationship:

Does each partner get the space they need to live healthy lives as individuals?

As great as it is to want to spend time with your partner, it’s important to have some time away from each other, too. It’s not healthy for either partner to try to set limits or use guilt or pressure to control where their partner goes or who they spend time with. Everyone should feel free to spend time alone or with friends and family without having to get permission from their partner or check in and explain their whereabouts. If boundaries around personal space are not being respected, that may be a sign that one or both partners is having trouble with trust. Learn more about trust in healthy relationships here.

Is intimacy comfortable and consensual at all times?

Sexual consent is absolutely essential in a relationship, whether you’re just starting to date or you’ve been married for years. Sex should never feel obligatory, and you should always feel that your partner cares about your comfort and boundaries. Everyone has different backgrounds, desires, and comfort levels when it comes to intimacy, sex and methods of protection. It’s important to feel comfortable communicating your boundaries around intimacy and to trust that your partner will always respect them.

It can help to talk with your partner about boundaries and expectations around sex before you’re in the moment, as well as talking about how you’d like to communicate with each other in the moment to make sure you are both aware of each other’s boundaries throughout. While discussing boundaries beforehand can help, even in the moment you always have the right to set boundaries or change your mind. People’s levels of comfort and desire change, so it should never be assumed that just because someone was okay with something in the past, they will always be okay with it. No matter how long you’ve been with someone or how many times you’ve done something, you have the right to say no at anytime for any reason. Learn more about consent in a healthy relationship here.

Is there mutual respect for privacy?

Everyone has the right to privacy, and that’s not something you should have to give up to be in a relationship. While it’s okay to share personal information like passwords to social media, bank accounts, email, phone, etc. if you wish to, it should never feel required and it’s completely reasonable to keep those private. Having access to another’s personal accounts or information also doesn’t give anyone the right to look through them without the owner’s permission. Even if you have shared passwords with your partner, you have every right to expect them to respect your privacy and boundaries. Leaving your private accounts open is never an invitation to invade your privacy. Talking with your partner about what you do and don’t wish to share can be a great way to lay some ground rules around privacy.

Do you and your partner respect each other’s boundaries without getting angry or making each other feel bad?

As we’ve said, everyone has the right to set boundaries. You should always feel comfortable communicating your boundaries to your partner without being afraid of how they’ll react. Personal boundaries shouldn’t feel like castle walls during a siege. Once you have set boundaries, you shouldn’t feel like you have to actively defend or reiterate them to have them be respected by your partner, and vice versa. In a healthy relationship, both people want their partner to feel happy, respected and comfortable and they use knowledge of each other’s boundaries to help them understand how to keep the relationship happy and healthy. Using pressure, making you feel guilty, or arguing with you about whether your boundaries are reasonable is not respectful or healthy. If you don’t feel comfortable or safe setting boundaries, or your boundaries are not being respected by your partner, that can be a red flag for unhealthy or abusive dynamics in the relationship. Learn more about setting boundaries in a relationship on our loveisrespect website.

If you answered “yes” to all of these questions, congratulations! It sounds like there are healthy boundaries in your relationship. If you answered “no” to one or more questions, this could be an indication that you and your partner might want to work on creating more boundaries in your relationship, or that you might want to assess for red flags for unhealthy or abusive dynamics in the relationship.

Healthy Relationship & Spectrum

A healthy relationship means that both you and your partner(s) are:

  • Communicating: You talk openly about problems and listen to one another. You respect each other’s opinions.
  • Respectful: You value each other as you are.
  • Trusting: You believe what your partner has to say.  You do not feel the need to “prove” each other’s trustworthiness.
  • Honest: You are honest with each other, but can still keep some things private.
  • Equal: You make decisions together and hold each other to the same standard.
  • Enjoying personal time: You enjoy spending time apart, alone or with others. You respect each other’s need for time apart.
  • Making mutual sexual choices: You talk openly about sexual and reproductive choices together. All partners willingly consent to sexual activity and can safely discuss what you are and are not comfortable with.
  • Economic/financial partners: You and your partner have equal say with regard to finances. All partners have access to the resources they need.
  • Engaging in supportive parenting: All partners are able to parent in a way they feel comfortable with. You communicate together about the needs of the child(ren), as well as the needs of the parents.

You may be in an unhealthy relationship if one or more partners is:

  • Not communicating: When problems arise, you fight or you don’t discuss them at all.
  • Disrespectful: One or more partners is not considerate of the other(s).
  • Not trusting: One partner doesn’t believe what the other says, or feels entitled to invade their privacy.
  • Dishonest: One or more partners tells lies.
  • Trying to take control: One partner feels their desires and choices are more important.
  • Only spending time with your partner: Your partner’s community is the only one you socialize in.
  • Pressured by the other into sexual activity: One partner uses pressure or guilt on the other to have sex or do anything sexual at any point.
  • Ignoring a partner’s boundaries: It is assumed only one partner is responsible for making informed decisions.
  • Unequal economically: Finances are not discussed, and/or it is assumed only one partner is in charge of finances.

Abuse is occurring in a relationship when one partner:

  • Communicates in a way that is hurtful, threatening, insulting or demeaning.
  • Mistreats the other: One partner does not respect the feelings, thoughts, decisions, opinions or physical safety of the other.
  • Accuses the other of cheating or having an affair when it’s not true: The partner who accuses may hurt the other in a physical or verbal way as a result.
  • Denies that the abusive actions are abuse: An abusive partner may try to blame the other for the harm they’re doing, or makes excuses for abusive actions or minimizes the abusive behavior.
  • Controls the other: There is no equality in the relationship. One partner makes all decisions for the couple without the other’s input.
  • Isolates the other partner: One partner controls where the other one goes and who they talk to. They may isolate their partner from family and friends.
  • Forces sexual activity or pregnancy: One partner forces the other to have sex, or do anything they don’t want to do sexually at any point. In relationships where pregnancy is a physical possibility, one partner may force the other to become pregnant.
  • Exerts economic control: One partner controls the money and access to resources. Having an open dialogue about finances is not an option. This may include preventing a partner from earning an income or not allowing a partner access to their own income.
  • Engages in manipulative parenting: One partner uses the child(ren) to gain power and control over the other partner, including telling the child(ren) lies or negative things about the other partner.